NEDA Week 2013

This week, from Feb 24 - March 2, is National Eating Disorder's Awareness week. The theme for this week is "Everybody Knows Somebody". As someone who has struggled with anorexia and who still has not come to a place of "complete recovery" I often have a hard time sharing my battle. I get nervous of what others will think of me, and frankly I feel a bit embarrassed that I am an adult woman who is unable to eat and exercise in a normal way. However, by remaining silent, I might be causing someone else who is struggling to feel like they are alone as well. Though at times I want to hide this battle, I also want to help others to know that there is someone else who understands. For some purpose, I have struggled with anorexia. My hope is that at some point I would be able to be a source of strength and encouragement for others who are facing this disease. I would hope and pray that I can be someone who is ultimately able to say "recovery is possible, I am living proof".  I have written a post regarding this year's week of awareness. Below is the piece that I put together regarding this issue. . . 


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NEDA Week Feb 24- March 2, 2013

“Everybody Knows Somebody”

This year’s theme for Eating Disorder’s Awareness Week is “Everybody Knows Somebody”. As someone who has struggled, I wanted to write a perspective from the side of a “Somebody” regarding this deadly disease. 

I never wanted to be that somebody; I didn’t strive to be “the girl with the eating disorder”, the “sick one”. I didn’t want to be the “somebody” who was talked to by her compassionate college roommates relentlessly about needing help. I didn’t want to be the “somebody” who was unable to pursue an internship despite good grades, because her professors worried that her health would stand in the way. I didn’t want to be the “somebody” who was checked on during the night by her terrified 18 year old sister to make sure she still had a pulse. I didn’t want to be the “somebody” who, at age 22, had to have her dad pick her up off the ground when she stepped out of a hotel hot tub and passed out. And I certainly didn’t want to be that “somebody” who sat in her doctor’s office a week before college graduation and had her doctor pray with her that she would live for another week to see graduation before going to a treatment program for the life-stealing disease that was threatening to kill her. 

For as long as I can remember, I wanted two things. First, I wanted to be perfect. Second, I wanted to help others. As a child, I pushed myself in school, music, and sports in order to gain knowledge and skills in the various activities I was involved in. As a three year old, I forced my dad to take the training wheels off my bike as I was determined to ride on my own. This attitude was predictive of the rest of my life as I continuously pushed myself to do better. As a young piano student, I won the award nearly every month for practicing the most out of all the students. In school I worked relentlessly on the problems given to my accelerated math group in order to perfect my answers. In high school I remember staying up nearly the entire night with a friend to learn a dance for our team performance. In every facet of life, I wanted to excel. To do more. To be more. To be better.

I also wanted to help others. No matter what was happening in my life at home or at school, I sought to be a listening ear for my friends who were struggling. I didn’t want to burden others with my thoughts or feelings when they were going through their own struggles. So I pushed my emotions beneath the surface and aimed to help other’s through their pains.  

My drive for perfection and inability to cope with my own problems or ask for help ultimately led to my downfall into anorexia. Several difficult circumstances took place in my life, and I was incredibly overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to talk about what I was going through, or how to ask for help without feeling like a burden to others. So I continued to act like “everything was ok”, while on the inside I was screaming. I started exercising more and more, and eating less and less. If I couldn’t control the things that were happening around me, I felt that at least I could control exactly what I ate and how much I worked out. My obsession with calories, pounds, and numbers allowed me to focus all thoughts away from the true sources of pain.

Soon, I became that “somebody”, the girl with an eating disorder.

At first I thought that I was solving things by spending all my time focused on food and exercise instead of the real issues that were hurting. I could go to the gym, then the pool, then run outside, and go back to the gym later at night. I could meticulously plan the tiny amount of calories I was allowed each day and determined the exact minute that I was allowed to have them. I created detailed charts plotting goals for weight loss and weighed myself  numerous times a day in order to ensure my weight was where it “needed” to be. Yet it was never good enough. I was never good enough. 

In time, however, my method to “solve problems” became disastrous. The number of hours I spent exercising each day was never ‘enough’, the amount of calories I allowed myself was always too much, even though it was dangerously low. My weight was never low enough. This ‘inner voice’ yelled at me relentlessly to exercise more, and eat less. It told me that no matter what, I wasn’t working hard enough. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, yet I couldn’t stop. Though I didn’t admit it to others as I wanted to “remain strong” and “save face”, there were many times that I was surprised to wake up in the morning, as many physical symptoms I experienced were worrisome. 

As time passed, I was unable to hide the fact that I had an eating disorder. Friends and family caught on, and urged me to seek help. After several months of begging, pleading,  and threatening, I was taken to treatment in Minneapolis. There, I met many other people who were struggling with eating disorders.

This year’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week theme is “Everybody Knows Somebody”, and let me tell you, it’s true. Sadly, eating disorders affect every population. They target women, men, old, young, black, white, Christians, non-Christians, rich, poor, and everything in between. I went to treatment with an 8 year old boy and a 60 year old woman. There were men and women. I met people who appeared to be incredibly social and outgoing, as well as people that were more reserved and shy. 

Eating Disorders affect everybody. They do not discriminate. They are the 22 year old girl who spends countless hours at the gym, the 46 year old woman who knows every calorie she has consumed each day, the 27 year old guy who runs in his basement in 6 layers of clothes to try to “make weight”, the 8 year old boy who watches his mom diet and feels he must do so too in order to be “good enough”. They are the girl sitting next to you in church, the postman you see each day, the woman behind you at the store, and the young girl competing in gymnastics week after week. Everybody Knows Somebody. People struggling with eating disorders are intelligent, insightful, caring, responsible, hard working, funny, and gifted. Some come from broken homes, while others have supportive and close families. Some have been abused, others have been bullied. Some have experienced tragedy, others have been molded by the constant media messages they have seen over the years. Every person has his or her story, but every person is struggling and is worthy of help. 

If you suspect someone you know has an eating disorder, don’t be afraid to talk to them. Educate yourself about eating disorders so that you understand the symptoms as well as the medical and psychological consequences of these devastating diseases. Don’t be afraid to approach the person you suspect is struggling. Tell him or her that you care and that you are worried about certain behaviors you are observing. Ask questions if you don’t understand something. I remember at my college graduation party, my grandma turned to me and said “Ok, I just have to ask and I’m sorry if I shouldn’t ask this, but do you just not get hungry?”. She asked it in such a beautiful way and I knew that she genuinely cared about me and wanted to understand this complex illness. In many ways it was a relief to have her ask that, as I could finally exhale and say, “no, actually I am hungry all the time. So so so hungry. It’s just like there is this voice screaming at me all day long that I’m not allowed to eat.” Her asking questions opened up the door for us to talk about what was going on. Offer to support your friend or loved one through this battle, but tell them when you need a break as well. These diseases are exhausting and they impact family and friends as well. Be open with your friend or family member, and let them know that you still care. In talking with many of the men and women I have met through treatment and in the years following, one of the key fears is that once friends and family find out about the disease, they will no longer love the person who is sick. There is a great deal of guilt and shame surrounding these diseases, which leads many to hide their struggles. Assure the person that you still care about him or her. 

Eating disorders are devastating illnesses, and they are lethal. I met several people through my time in treatment that ultimately lost their struggle. These disorders affect at least 12 million people, as well as countless others who don’t come forward with their struggle. They are destructive and deadly, and it is crucial to promote awareness and education in order to develop prevention programs as well as treatment for those who suffer. It’s imperative for the sufferer to be surrounded by a support team who can help him or her defeat the ‘inner voice’ that has convinced them that they are not enough.

I never wanted to be that somebody. I didn’t set out to be “the girl with the eating disorder”. Yet, I am somebody. I have struggled, and have not yet reached the place I would like to be in the recovery journey. However, I am still alive and able to push forward through the support of friends and family. I have been blessed with an amazing team of support through out the years, and I can only hope that others would be surrounded with such influential, compassionate people. Without friends and family and professors, dietitians, and counselors I have had over the years, I would have given up completely. I am somebody, and as the motto for this year’s Awareness Week states, “Everybody Knows Somebody”. If you know somebody, let them know that you love and support them, and that they can fight this. And if you are a friend or family member of a “Somebody”, let me tell you, thanks. I’ve talked to many other men and women who have eating disorders. And we see how they cause pain, frustration, confusion, and fear in our siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, teachers, pastors, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and everyone else in our ‘circle’. And let me just say, from each of us, thank you for letting us know that We Are Enough, even when we don’t believe it, and that We Can Win this thing, even when we doubt recovery is possible. Everybody knows Somebody, and the way to defeat this disease is through education, prevention, strong treatment programs, and supportive relationships. 

.Lego.City.

Almost a year. Wow.

A year of so many ups and downs.

Of hurt, and questioning,

unexpected events and tragic news.

A year of putting one foot in front of the other

despite utter confusion about nearly every aspect of the future.

A year that until recently made me quite frustrated. Then recently, I began reflecting upon various childhood memories. Out of the blue, a seemingly insignificant memory came to mind. I was in my early elementary years, maybe 6 or 7 years old. My two older brothers were about 8 and 10. . . They were in a stage of Lego Obsession. Day after day, they toiled over pieces and pieces of tiny, colorful legos. . . They worked relentlessly, crafting massive lego dynasties. They planned cities and meticulously worked to develop these cities.

One day, I was playing downstairs, near their Lego City. . . The boys were both gone, probably out riding bikes or spending time with friends. I often used my imagination when I was younger, and played "house", "school" "church", and "dance class". . . I think that day involved an imaginary dance class. . . The class was going well until I decided to attempt a trick that I hadn't previously mastered. I went for it and BOOM, fell to the ground. Not only did I fall, but I fell RIGHT SMACK on Lego City. Hours and hours and hours of planning and building - - DESTROYED.

I felt awful. I didn't intentionally ruin the city my brothers had created. I knew they would be upset, and I didn't want that. I remember my brothers coming home and being devastated. They were angry, sad, defeated, and confused. Everything they had planned was gone. Shattered. They were disappointed.

My mom, being the peacemaker, kept trying to convince them that it would be ok. . . That they could start fresh and make an even better city. . . That they could adjust the things they didn't like, and change things for an even more creative and exciting look. . . Soon, they began working diligently again, and after many many more hours of work, they had an even more polished, visionary, higher quality Lego city. . . They had new visions and dreams of portions of the creation, and soon an amazing masterpiece was in the place of the shattered remnants of before.

Though much of my mom's persuasiveness was likely an attempt to avoid a massive fight between myself and my brothers, I think that there is a great deal of truth in her reasoning. . .

Sometimes, we plan how things should look. . . We work tirelessly to develop our lives as this "lego city" based on the blueprints of our minds. . . Yet, we don't see the whole picture, and our plans are not God's plans. Sometimes, our "cities" have to be taken down. Our plans and human workmanship need to be reevaluated. Sometimes, it seems like everything has shattered, that every piece of our lives have fallen to the ground in destruction. But maybe, the truth is that there is more coming, and that we were unable to see the full blueprint in our first design. Sometimes our first plans need to be shaken, taken down in front of us. God doesn't intentionally do this in order to cause us grief and pain. . . But, He does know the plan, the ultimate blueprint for our lives. And sometimes, that means that our human desires need to be revised. . . revamped into a more beautiful workmanship.

So, even though at times, the pain leads us to question everything, it's crucial to remember the truth. . . He knows the Plans He has for us. His is the ultimate blueprint, and He will reveal it to us as we continually seek His will.

Some of the opportunities and experiences that are coming into my life recently are ones that I would have never chosen for myself. Yet, they fit me in ways that I hadn't previously identified. They've come through trials and pain and confusion, yet through all that, a new blueprint is being developed. Rebuilding after a fall is scary, and uncomfortable. There's questioning and fear from the downfall of before. Yet through it one gains strength and endurance and hope and peace.

The concept of Beauty From Ashes really holds true. . . All might seemed lost, destroyed, broken. Relationships may be shattered, career and educational goals might dwindle, illness and injury may change all that once was. Yet God takes us through that fire. He molds us and refines us. He gives us strength and comfort as we grieve the loss and destruction and change, and embrace the new life that HE has planned for us. Truly He is the Master Architect, the one who knows us inside and out. And in that, we can have Hope.

Today I'm going to cheat a little bit by simply re-posting a devotional that I get daily... I really loved this devotional, and I think it really speaks volumes to all of us. It's so easy to get ahead of ourselves in different aspects of life. But God calls us to lay all of those thoughts and feelings on Him and to give Him the ultimate control over it all.

Feeling Emotional
3 May 2011 - Rachel Olsen
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.” John 14:1 (NLT)

Frustration hit me full force about a quarter ’til dawn that morning. I woke up to find my child was sick, again. With my husband away on business, it was up to me to help the young boy who was standing beside my bed coughing. He’d been sick the better part of that month with cold after cold. I thought he was finally turning the corner. I thought we were done with decongestants, germy tissues, and Clorox wipes. That is, until that morning.

The first thing I felt was frustrated.When my child is out of commission, it puts me out of commission as well. He was already behind on his school work, and I was already behind on about a half-dozen things. I could feel my stress level rising as I poured the cough syrup into the plastic measuring cup.I thought about the things I was supposed to accomplish — the scheduled meetings, the deadlines, the errands. A scowl settled into my forehead. I closed the medicine cabinet door with much more force than really necessary.I felt sorry for my pitiful son. And I felt disappointed that my prayers had not prevented this relapse in illness. I felt angry that yet another day would be interrupted by some virus. And I felt bad because I knew I wasn’t handling it well.

I felt, I felt, I felt … all I was doing was feeling, letting my emotions spread out and lay claim over every aspect of my day.I had this notion in my head that a mature Christian wouldn’t be feeling this way. Shouldn’t I be so spiritual that I’m above getting upset over things like this?After taking care of my son, I sat down and scanned the gospels to see if Jesus ever felt emotionally strained. Sure enough, I found instances where Jesus is described as feeling “deeply troubled” and “distressed.” (Mark 14:33, John 13:21, John 12:27, NLT)

If Jesus got emotionally agitated, then it’s unrealistic for me to expect to go through life without feeling some stress. The problem isn’t my emotions, it’s my reaction to them. The trouble comes when I give them free reign in my heart and mind.That’s when I become unstable.That’s when I lose sight of God.That’s when I say or do things I regret. Jesus spoke today’s key verse to His disciples, knowing what their futures would hold. He knew His death was coming and it would trigger fear, sorrow and doubt in their hearts. Not wanting them to wallow in those emotions, He counseled them ahead of time to keep their focus on God and all that He’d been teaching them.

Jesus, knowing what our day holds, speaks the same words to us. He tells us to not let our emotions fly about, creating an unstable and troubled heart. Instead, our trustworthy Lord tells us to focus our attention on Him.Eventually, I made the decision that morning to pray and place my trust in God, despite how my day was shaping up and despite how volatile my emotions felt. He calmed my anxious heart, and my son seemed to feel better as well.It feels good when I trade in my troubled emotions for a source of strength that will get me through my day. And that’s one feeling I think Jesus would love for me to wallow in.

Dear Lord, I want to be ruled by Your Spirit, not by my emotions. Help me to focus on You today and not my troubles. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Growing.

Hi everyone,
I’m super sorry for the lengthy break I took from blogging. :) There have been many times where topics or experiences have emerged, but in all honesty, life has been so busy that breathing has been an accomplishment these days. . .

However, over the past few months so much has happened and I’ve learned multitudes about God, myself, recovery, and life. So, I might continue sharing bits and pieces of reflections every now and then! :)

Tonight I was reading a book that was recently given to me, called Beyond Our Control. This book has been incredibly helpful to me, and I love how it focuses on Christian aspects of healing from hurts. Several pieces from the chapters I read tonight really stood out to me in terms of the process of healing. In fact, tonight I was quite frustrated. In all honesty, I've had a fairly unhealthy day in terms of exercise. Too much, and not focused on enjoyment or health, but obeying stupid rules from that voice that presents itself. So, I was actually reading at the gym, and feeling frustrated that I couldn't be further along in the recovery process... What do I need to do to get there? What am I doing wrong? Will there be a part of this stupid disorder with me FOREVER?! As I questioned these issues, I read a piece in a chapter that was just really encouraging and motivating.

The portion that really resonated deals with actions that can lead to true healing in one’s life. This sequence of actions includes:
ACCEPT. Accept the fact that you cannot undo the reality of what has taken place in
your life, but with God’s help, you can change the effect it has on you.
AGREE. Choose to agree to live with the consequences of sin.
BELIEVE. Choose to believe that God’s unfailing love for YOU can deliver from all
your wounds and the strongholds of pain.
CHANGE. Negative thinking leads to wrong behavior, producing rebellious actions. You
can change your behavior by allowing God to address your bad attitude.
DEAL. Choose to deal with strongholds of the past by letting go of anger, bitterness,
contempt, and unforgiveness.
LISTEN. Choose to accept the past with an open heart by listening to God.
FEAR NOT. You cannot eliminate the cause of fear, but you don’t have to let it control
you.
FORGIVE. You can choose to relent to a teachable spirit and forgiving heart.
TELL. You can tell your story, bringing hope and healing to others as well as yourself.

What are you holding on to? What keeps you from living your life in a way that glorifies God? Is it a past hurt? An addiction? An unhealthy relationship? Anger over health issues? Recovery, or growth in any area of life is incredibly difficult. It takes time and a lot of intense work. At times, it's understandable that one just wants to quit and walk away. It's too hard; it's not possible; I'm not doing the right thing. However, as is often said "Recovery is a process". As much as I hate hearing that, it's true. Everything in life truly is a process. A process of giving ourselves fully to our Father- Handing Him past hurts, fears, decisions over work, school, and relationships. It's a process that involves listening and obeying by faith. A process that ultimately allows us to let go of a strong need to control our lives, and in turn allows us to live true life, one that is greater than anything we may have ever planned for ourselves anyway!

Journey

I love it when I feel like God is presenting situations for learning in my life, although I often feel like it is during times when a particular area is in need of. . . umm. . . modification :) A few days ago one such lesson presented itself, and I reflected upon it with a smile as I thought "oh crap, God is right. . . again." :)

That day was not a particularly healthy day for me. One area of recovery that is especially difficult for me is that of exercise. When I was in the depths of my sickness, I was spending hours upon hours each day exercising. At the gym, running, swimming, blading, videos, anything just to add hours and miles each day. And while things are a lot better now, exercise is still an incredible temptation for me. I begin and instantly have unhealthy thoughts of "come on, Jay, let's see how hard you can push it today. This won't hurt you. Let's go further. You need to do this." etc, etc, etc. I hate it, because exercise used to be enjoyable and a leisure activity. While it's not as bad as before, I still tend to be quite rigid when I exercise. One example is my running. When I go on a run, I have exact routes measured out. I have driven them by car time and time again just to be sure the distance hasn't changed. (Because of course a plot of land can change from being a mile long to 3/4 of a mile. Yes, distortion is quite possibly present with an e.d!). So, I choose what route I will take that day - x, y or z miles depending on how much time I have. And then I put on a playlist that will match up to the time the run needs to be completed by. And then I start. Up this hill, to the right 6 blocks here, North a mile here, gravel 2 miles here, on and on until I have completed the selected path. I know my paths, forward and backward, inside and out, eyes closed.

So, on this day I was excited because it was finally warm enough to be outside again. I was so ready to get back to the "comfort" of that known route. So I got ready, drove to the destination, and began my run. I was following the route to a T when all of a sudden I reached a roadblock. . . Part of this route was on a bike trail, and the trail was still covered with snow. Ugh, great. I knew if I risked running on it I could injure myself. Yet I felt tempted to try, as I didn't want to give up "my route." Still, I realized that an injury would mean no exercise for a great length of time, so the better option would be to turn back and find a different route.

As I turned back, a few things happened. First, as it was approaching evening, I turned around and observed one of the most beautiful sunsets that I have seen this winter. Colors blazing across the sky and ice covered trees glistening from the sun. If I would have attempted to stay on my known path, I would have run away from that beauty and would have missed out. But in taking this new way, I was able to run toward God's amazing artwork in the sky. Secondly, as I ran back I comprehended my next move "ok, what do I do, I just lost all that time going one direction, now I need to go back to the beginning and go a different way. What a waste." Yet as I worked my way back, I realized that the previous path had not been futile. During those first miles, my breathing pattern naturalized, my muscles began to loosen up for the road ahead, and I was able to set the pace for the oncoming route.

Shifting from the experience to the lessons that I observed. . . With the sunset, it was blatantly obvious to me that my path was nothing compared to the one I was supposed to be on that day. If I would have taken my own route on the trail, I would have known the exact distance I had covered. I would be aware of every turn, every curve, every hill. On the path I ended up on, I didn't know the distance, or how I would get from one point to another. I just had to keep following until I gradually reached the destination. And it was beautiful. . . Uncertain, not of my own control, unpredictable, but beautiful. God has created us and He knows the purpose of each and every one of us. And He prepares us for that which He has called us. In Ephesians 2, we read:

Made Alive in Christ
1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

He has called us, He has saved us, and He will prepare us for the works that are ahead. Think of Noah. . . Do you think it was on "his route" to build an ark? Do you think he was excited about having everyone mock him and gossip about his "craziness"? Most likely, not. But God knew beforehand the journey that Noah had been called to take. And He guided him from beginning to end.

The other lesson I observed in my running situation came when I was turning from Route A to the new path. . . As I said, initially I felt that the beginning was a waste. I would have to start all over and all the work of the past was useless. Yet as I said, it prepared me for the next part, and it also allowed me to see that when I turn From my own path, the results are clearly what the Lord has planned. In that, I see that the past is an important part of the journey. Often, as we reflect, those past disappointments or "failures" allow us to appreciate or understand the present much more. It prepares us for what is to come, and can serve as a foundation to build knowledge upon. I felt as if the beginning of the run was pointless and unnecessary. Yet once I realized that if I had taken my own road I would have completely missed what I ended up seeing, I appreciated that sunset even more. More often than not I see various pieces of my past as "useless". Struggling with an Eating disorder for many years often feels like a waste of time. Experiencing certain pieces of relationships in the past feels unnecessary. Yet as I reflect further, going through those hard times has brought various lessons, areas of growth, and experiences that I would not have appreciated without that past. Not to say that I appreciate the struggle with E.D yet, because I think that could take a few more decades of learning :) But, I do know that for some reason the past is there, and for each of us I truly believe that our experiences bring us forward, mold us into better, more godly people ready to move onward in Him. He saves us, by grace, and prepares us for the works that He has planned.

Hope .

Do you ever roll your eyes at God's sense of humor? This week, I've found myself laughing on several occasions as I see God at work.

Over the course of the past week, various thoughts have plagued my head and created a lot of confusion and anxiety. Being 24, there is a lot in my life right now that is incredibly exciting and adventurous. New experiences, new goals and motivations, exciting opportunities in many different facets of life. Yet at the same time, along with the excitement and growth comes a great deal of fear and uncertainty.

I question whether I am able to embark in a lot of the upcoming situations in my life. Past hurts and painful situations cause me to feel fear in relationships and ruminate on the "what ifs" and "what's the future?" . . . Additionally, as I pursue my career goals further I become worried, as the eating disorder is still a daily battle physically and emotionally. I'm consumed with doubts and fear that the disordered behaviors or irrational thoughts may never go away. Consequently, how could I help other people who are struggling with life when the e.d still controls a piece of my life? It makes me question leaving the field altogether.

Yet for now, I feel God calling me to continue in my studies. I want to be further along in recovery before entering into practice, but I do feel that I am far enough along that school is actually quite beneficial and motivating for me to keep moving forward.

Still, my thoughts race back and forth incessantly through out the day. "Come on, Jay, you are failing in so many areas, turn back full-force to the eating disorder!!" . . "No, that's not living life as God intended it, there's so much more out there." "But you're not good enough for that life, go back to e.d, make it your #1 priority again!". As the thoughts become more intense and exhausting, I often begin to lose hope. I worry that I won't be able to continue fighting those negative thoughts and temptations. I question whether I will be able to achieve any sort of goals or dreams. I start to doubt myself and living life on normal terms. I crave the twisted consistency and control that the eating disorder brought.

But then I remember, that my hope is in the Lord. What a relief! When I've felt anxiety the past few weeks about decisions regarding work, school, relationships, living situations, life in general, it has been such a comfort to slow down and hold tight to the truth. . . My hope is in my Father in Heaven. When I worry about the future, about healing, about decisions in many genres of life, it's futile. I don't need to worry. Phew! This is not to say that I sit around and do nothing, as that's also not what the Lord intends. But, when I start to feel anxious, when I doubt or fear that I am not making enough progress in healing from the eating disorder, when I struggle to determine which way to go, I can let that all go. The important and essential thing is that I continue moving forward toward Christ. . . I continue to put my Hope in Him, even if I can not see clearly. So often I want to know answers with eating disorder struggles: When will it be the end? Is an 'end' even possible? What purpose is this serving? Why so long? etc etc etc. Whatever my questioning, I know that the crucial element is that I must continue to trust in Him and hope in Him, or I will succumb to the enemy.

I've found a great deal of comfort over the past week as I remember these truths. Whenever I become overwhelmed, confused, anxious, or want to throw recovery out the window, I pause and remember that I have the greatest tool to use in the rebuilding process: Hope.

As I read my devotions tonight, the opening verse struck me as it really illuminated the thoughts I've had over the past few weeks. The verse came from Philippians 3:13. It reads, "Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward." We know the ultimate goal. It is vital that no matter what our fears, doubts, ups, downs, joys and sorrows, we press onward in Hope. It's not always easy or full of constant victories. But, in all things, we can wait in great expectation for the one in whom our Hope lies.

chosen.

During the past week, I have been baby-sitting my younger siblings while my parent's have been gone. As someone who likes control, organization, and independence, this week has varied drastically from my "normal routine". Overall, the week has gone considerably well - no illnesses or injuries, no significant behavioral battles. Still, I'm struck by how exhausting and laborious parenting is. . . It's essential that all basic needs are met - meals, appropriate winter clothing, and adequate sleep must be ensured. These issues can cause drama, however, as my preteen siblings each have different meal preferences, often feel they don't need coats or gloves in this arctic climate, and debate appropriate bedtimes each night. In addition to providing for essential needs, these children have non-essential needs that must be provided for as well. Basketball practices that need transporting to and from, play dates that require supervision and transporting, rides to youth group, trips to the store to get gatorade or snacks for a church youth group trip, permission to have friends overnight or go to friends' houses. In addition to that, the unexpected dramas arise on a constant basis - one can't find their glasses, another forgets music for band, it's our turn to bring snacks to GEMS, one has a fight with a friend and is hurting, each child wants to talk at the same time and needs an answer RIGHT NOW, One is confused about another relationship. Another is upset at me and doesn't want to listen.

Although it's been a long week, I look at my siblings and am still constantly grateful. . . Each of these young ones have joined our family through the process of adoption. My family is big and loud and hectic and full of drama. Yet, the choice that my parents made to adopt has been such a life-changing blessing to me. My siblings have added so much joy to my life. It excites me to watch them grow and develop. My heart breaks when they are struggling with something or hurting because of a relationship issue. And sometimes, I'm frustrated by their choices or disobedience. Or, like this week, I feel exhausted by their needs and wants. Still, I wouldn't change these experiences for anything in this world. Each of the siblings that my family has adopted have been a gift to me. They have blessed my life incredibly, and have changed me in so many ways. I honestly can't imagine my life without them.

As I reflect upon this week, I am continually struck by the fact that God chose to adopt each of us and call us His own. I think back to our earthly adoptions - - the adoption agency attempts to inform the family of as much as they are able. . . possible health concerns, family history, child temperament and behavior, etc. They want to give the adoptive family as much information as they can to aid them in the decision. The family is then able to pray on it and decide whether or not they are able to provide for the needs of that specific child. This week I continually stood in awe as I realized that my Father in Heaven knew everything about me, and yet He chose me. He knew the health concerns I would face in my life. He knew that I don't believe in myself. He knew that when things got difficult in life, I would turn to an eating disorder rather than to Him. He knew that when I wanted to escape from the eating disorder and still fell countless times, I would doubt His power and question His love. He knew all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my fears. He knew everything that has happened in my past, He knew all the things I have said or done to others, and He knew what the future holds. He knows it all, yet He chooses me. That makes me feel blessed.

It truly amazes me. Our Creator knows each one of our hearts. He knows our various needs. He knows our desires. And He chooses each one of us to be His. He knows that we will make mistakes. He knows that we will have doubts and fears. He knows that we will often stray from Him, question Him, or outright direct anger toward Him. He knows our short-comings. Yet, He chooses us and loves us with an unconditional, infallible love. In Deuteronomy, we read "The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."

We are his treasured possession, His children whom He loves. We stumble and we fall, we hurt others and we doubt our Lord. Yet His love is unconditional and sincere. He patiently waits for our hearts and offers us a love that is hard to fathom. . . a patient, kind, hopeful, protective love. A forgiving, humble love. He chose us and delights in us and waits patiently for each of us.

God's love is something that really amazes me. I love my young siblings with my whole heart. Yet, I become impatient or upset with them when they don't listen. I say things to them in frustration that don't need to be said. I expect obsessive cleanliness from them that is unattainable. And, at times over the past week, I have counted down the hours until my parent's return. I get tired, impatient, unkind, and unrealistic. My love is flawed. . . His love is a perfect, true love that will never fail. What an incomprehensible blessing it is to know that my Father loves me with a perfect love and forgives me for all my weaknesses and short-comings.