New Day

Hi Everyone!

I know many of you are aware, but to let all of you know, I am now back in Sioux Center!! On Thursday in Case Management, my team told me that they were very encouraged by my progress and that they would feel comfortable discharging me over the weekend. The plan was to leave on Sunday in the morning. On Saturday, there was a little scare as my vitals dropped pretty drastically. They thought I might need to stay longer to get them back on track again. The nurses gave me a lot of Gatorade, though, which helped the numbers come up again. So, after all of that drama, I was able to leave and return to Iowa :)

Coming home was a lot more difficult than I expected, which I actually think is a good sign, although I wish it wasn’t hard. I went to the hospital thinking, “Fine, I will do this because everyone is making me, but I’m coming right back home and going back to my old ways!” I remember sitting in group therapy the first day and listening to a girl talk about how she was leaving the next day. She said she was nervous to go home, because she didn’t want the eating disorder voice to grab hold of her again. I kept thinking, “What the heck is wrong with this girl?!?! WHO WOULD BE NERVOUS TO LEAVE A HOSPITAL!?! I’m going to be SOO happy when I get to leave this prison!”

Then, I started to get into the process of healing. . . After a few days of eating, I had energy again! I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out! It was sooo different than how I had been feeling for so long. And, I started to laugh and actually feel alive again. One night a bunch of us were sitting in the dayroom (Where we all hung out during free times and watched movies and colored and played games and stuff). Anyways, we were all laughing SO hard – I don’t even remember why- but we just started talking about how none of us had truly laughed since we became sick. E.D takes your life away, and it’s impossible to have fun with friends, because you can only think about food, calories, pounds, weight, exercise, etc. But there we were sitting in a hospital with 2 million rules about what you can not do (no napkins, hands on the table at all times, bathrooms padlocked, etc, etc, etc) and we were all starting to see what FREEDOM looked like, and that life with an eating disorder was more of a prison than that hospital!

So, with those realizations, I got more into recovery, and really saw how much I wanted my life back. . . To be more carefree and not consumed by this controlling disease. Treatment was still incredibly difficult. . . Several of the meals I cried through, because Ed continued to yell at me that I was a failure for eating certain things or not trying to exercise more. The people there were really helpful though, and really talked me through the distorted thoughts I often had. Each shift (morning and night), the nurses would do check ins. The nurses there are SO incredibly caring, and talked to me about anything that was on my mind. In the next couple of days, I’ll post some really cool stories of conversations nurses/health educators/therapists had with me that really helped. . .

Over the course of treatment, the “voice” of the eating disorder did quiet down some. . . Eating was still really hard, but we always played games (20 questions, “I’m going camping and I’m going to bring. . .”, who wants to be a Millionaire, etc) and had music during our meals, so it really made them social rather than something to be feared. There are also several levels that you can work through the longer you go without a supplement- you get to plan your own meals after going 24 hours without supplement, you could go down to “meal group” (Where you eat in the hospital cafeteria) after going 3 days without supplement (Oh, and if you got this, you got to go outside for 5 minutes!! So I actually got to go outside on 3 different occasions J), then if you go a week without supplements, you get a cafeteria experience. I got to have one with my mom and Ruth when they drove up to visit me- - This is where you have 90 minutes alone with some guests in the hospital cafeteria. The dietician comes down to make sure you have the right portions of food, and then leaves! So that was nice to just be on our own for a bit.

After all of these progressions, if your vitals are good and the team feels you are ready, they recommend discharge. That’s what happened with me on Thursday. And when I heard it, I was nervous just like the girl I heard the first day during group therapy. And to me, I think it was a sign that I genuinely want recovery. . . It showed me that being at the hospital was no longer just a hoop for me to jump through. It had become training- - During my time there, I was eating and I wasn’t exercising, because it was pretty forced; the nurses sat right there during supper. Now, it was time to see if I could take that training to real life- - Can I come home and keep following my meal plan and my exercise plan even when no one is watching??

It has been a difficult couple of days at home, but good at the same time. Many times, I don’t want to keep doing it, but I do know I want my life back, and this is part of it. I’m pretty self-conscious right now of how I’m changing, but also trying to remind myself of how much I want to get back to life! I know it’s going to continue to be a fight, but I do feel that I am on a road toward recovery. It's also been difficult, because I am trying to get rid of anything that would hinder my recovery, and that makes me realize how much this took over my life. . . But it's been good to clean my life of those things- - Magazines, pictures, etc. I feel like I am going to have a fresh start on life.

My parents and family have also been so helpful. We are doing a lot of meal planning together and eating together so that it isn’t something I need to dread or be afraid of. They keep me accountable without being “food police” and are so supportive and encouraging whenever the voice of ED is screaming in my ears.

I want to thank all of you as well for the support, encouragement, and prayers that have been offered! I can not tell you how much it has meant to me! Sorry that I have not responded to many of your e-mails or letters yet. Two really cool God moments that I’ll share before I post this long book :) First, there was a day at the hospital that was REALLY hard. I had to have pizza for lunch. . . Pizza was something that I used to enjoy- I’d go out with friends and didn’t think about it as a big deal or anything. But once I got sick, the “rule” was NO PIZZA! So, I knew that would be a really hard meal for me. . . So, we had the meal and it was just really hard and I was real quiet and just down afterwards. Well after lunch we got to the front desk of the nurses station, and mail had come in. And they handed me mine, and there were 8 cards there for me that day. And each of them was SO perfect in some way! Helpful advice, a funny joke, a beautiful verse, etc. So thank you so much!! Each card, phone call, and letter was so helpful during my time there! My second thing about the cards was that another day, I had several cards, and some of the girls were making comments about how I was always getting letters or cards. They were asking who they were from, and I started talking about my family, friends, church support system, and school support. . . They could not believe that people from my church would just send cards, or that I could go to a school where professors actually knew about me and cared about things other than my academic success. It became a really neat way to witness to them, because many of them did not go to church or come from the Christian school system.

Ok this is getting pretty long :) Again, I want to say thank you to all of you for how caring each of you has been! Please continue to pray as I think the next little bit will still be quite tough. ED is pretty much satan- - He knows when I am doing the right thing that he needs to come after me even harder. So just pray that I can keep going on the road to recovery.

Thanks so much for everything everyone!!

Jay