Feels like Today

STAND - - By Rascall Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

[Chorus:]

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand


Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
[Repeat Chorus]


Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh

I heard this song yesterday and it was the perfect day for it. . . See yesterday, ED came into my head in full force and knocked me down pretty hard. - - Eating disorders are often compared to an abusive husband or boyfriend ... So when you treat an eating disorder, it is synonymous to breaking up with the boyfriend, or divorcing the husband in many ways. The eating disorder makes you isolate yourself from friends and family, and blinds you from reality by filling your mind with lies "You're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you let everyone down and always will! you are nothing without me!"

My eating disorder, AKA Chase, came back into my life yesterday. He screamed at me over and over "You are nothing without me!!! You will never be successful without me!" He had me convinced that life without him was useless. Chase has controlled me for so long that I think I had forgotten who I, JAIME, truly am. . . And yesterday Chase made me believe that I couldn't do life without him... That I couldn't be happy and find things I enjoy and have a life without him... That outside of him, I could do nothing. For most of the day, I was controlled by him and let him win.

After a talk with my mom and a lot of tears, the day turned around. I tried to stick to my meal plan for the rest of the night, and worked as hard as I could to ignore the voice screaming at me. I started to think about the things that I truly enjoy again, and spent the rest of the evening enjoying different things rather than being consumed by the voice of Chase.

This struggle made me think a lot about the song I had heard, and how it talked about how each time we "stand and get back in the race" a piece of us will fall into place... I think that through the hard times, it is often when we learn more about who we truly are, and who God created us to be. I think that if I can continue to fight this stupid stupid disease, I am going to come out knowing myself a lot better. I feel that now that I am not giving 100% of my life to Chase, I am beginning to have glimpses of my true self. And I think many times, when we go through the hard parts of life, God uses those times to teach us the most and to mold us into more genuine and whole beings. I devoted all of my life to the E.D, and it was horrible. As I work toward healing, it has been freeing not to schedule every minute of every day in order to avoid meals/food and make time for exercise. Now I can really try to find out what I enjoy and how I can use the gifts and passions that God has given me.

Well, anyways, that is my reflection for the night. . . I'm working on some stories from the hospital that I'll post sometime, because a lot of you have asked what it was like. Blessings to each of you!