TrUSt.

This week's been tough. Well, no it hasn't. I don't even know.
I feel somewhat bipolar with my eating disorder. On the one hand,
when I use symptoms I KNOW that it's wrong, I KNOW that it will
get me nowhere, and I KNOW that it's just a way of avoiding the things
I don't want to deal with.

But then again, a part of me feels SO comforted, SO safe, and SO at
peace with my Eating Disorder. And I hate that. So often people have
asked "Wouldn't you just give anything to be done with it forever?"

Well, yes. . . mostly. Ultimately, this eating disorder has been so
overwhelming and frustrating and out of control and consuming. I hate
it with so much of my being that sometimes I'm physically shaky because
I'm so sick of it.

But, there's a part of me that can't let go because my eating disorder is
what I trust. Ooo, that's hard to say. If I trusted GOD, I would give Him
complete control of everything and believe that no matter what happens
in life, it's in HIS hands. If I trusted MARY and E.D.I, I would eat what I
need to eat, keep it in, and exercise a Healthy amount. If I trusted the
people that LOVED me, I would believe that I am worthy and special and
not because of ED, but DESPITE Ed. That I deserve love and happiness and
life and true genuine relationships. But, time after time I trust ED when he
tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not desiring or
lovable, I'm not small enough, I'm not kind enough, I'm not a good enough
employee, sister, daughter, Christian, whatever. I trust his slams every
time. And then I fall into his arms because he assures me that he will care
for me despite the failure that I am.

So yes, I hate my eating disorder more than any words could ever express.
But at the same time, it's something I still put my trust in quite a bit. And I
know that in order to fully recover, I need to shift that. . . I need to trust Mary,
trust doctors and treatment info, trust my parents, friends, and other support
people, and above all else, trust God.