Just Eat.

Wow, it's been ages since I updated my blog. Several nights ago I searched for it, unsure of the URL. As I read all of my previous posts, so many thoughts came to mind.

One thing I realized is that I was still living outside of reality during that year of 'recovery'. I think I worked to act like I wanted recovery, and even went and completed treatment and continued to work towards "being recovered". But I think I was incredibly naive. And definitely not as ready as I thought.

The past year has been a struggle. It has been a struggle emotionally, and with ED. I had fooled so many people into believing that ED was just a piece of my past, and often times I think I even had/have myself fooled. I justify so often that things aren't "that bad". But as I reflect on my choices and behaviors day after day, and as I talk through various things with my Counselor, I realize that it still is "that bad". Yes, I am at a healthy weight. Yes, I know the choices I need to make. But doing it, actually doing everything in my power to work towards recovery, that's still a minute by minute battle.

My symptoms vary and are overwhelming. Each day is a back and forth battle that ED generally wins. I don't give in as easily, but I still follow him pretty closely.

It's interesting though. . . As I look back at my old posts, I think I had this romantic view of what recovery would be. Yes, I hated the eating disorder life-style. . . But I thought recovery meant this awful period of treatment, followed by life being amazing. Everything falling into place. Me knowing who I am. Being comfortable with foods. emotions. situations. In reality, the complexity of recovery overwhelms me to the core. Not only is recovery dealing with the issues of food and exercise, but it is dealing with what brought you to ED in the first place. . . Why he's become such a comfort, and what pains you have under the surface. Facing recovery in a real and honest way is actually one of the most grueling and intense processes ever. It involves facing fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, confusion, uncertainties about the future. It involves acceptance of oneself. Wow, is that hard.

So, I'm struggling. But at the same time, I think my struggle right now is actually REAL. I don't think I have that naive mindset that I did before that if the food stuff could just fall into place, life would be great. Yeah, I'm sick of restricting, purging, over-exercising, and the array of symptoms that appear in an instant. But I'm also sick of the feelings that I haven't been dealing with and just avoiding. So, it's time to just face it all. Face ED. Face the past. Face the present. And face the future.

It's time to come up for air. Again. And for real.