clarity

This week I've reflected a lot and really gained more understanding into various aspects of my eating disorder. . . I was talking with my Counselor earlier this week, and trying to explain to her why I hold onto my eating disorder despite it's controlling, manipulating, painful ways. I wanted to express what appeals to me yet and why it's so hard to let go of in returning to normal life. As I attempted to articulate my thoughts, it was quite obvious that I completely lost my counselor. She tried to rephrase it, she tried having me repeat, use examples, everything. But she was gone. We were on 2 completely different planes. I drove home SO frustrated - if this woman can't even understand me and I can't even explain or understand myself, then what use is it?! This is hopeless! Ok, so I know there's a lot of jumping in there, but for anyone who doesn't understand ED mind, it does have some pretty irrational thoughts. But I was convinced that I couldn't do life on normal terms b/c I couldn't even understand or articulate my own thoughts and emotions.

But then as I drove it occurred to me that I think that was part of what made E.D so appealing. When I began restricting and over-exercising, it WAS so comforting, because it DID make sense. Life outside of it surely didn't make sense. . . Relationships, past hurts, confusing situations, etc. . . None of that was clear or certain. But E.D, at the time it was soooo clear and understandable. Less Calories, more exercise, lower number on the scale. Period. It worked. It was something that just.made.sense.

Well, for a while at least. Right now I'm struggling with several aspects of the E.D, and I feel SO tempted to just turn full force back into the mindset that doesn't care about recovery, and that just constantly listens to the voice that tells me exactly when, what, and how much to eat and exercise. I know that I hated that life too, but part of me just craves it because it just seemed so clear.

Clear in a distorted way though. I know that life with E.D is fake. I won't be able to do any of the things that I desire to do with my life if I continue to turn to him time and time again. Yet, sometimes when my thoughts, emotions, and feelings are too overwhelming, confusing, and complicated, I just crave that simple equation. (low calories) + (high exercise) = (lower weight). ahh. So clear. But, it can't last. And it causes increased destruction over time. It destroys my health, it hurts my family and friends, and it halts any life I am gaining back right now.

So, even though I feel a lack of clarity right now about so many different things, I know that this foggyness is at least real and more healthy than turning full force back to E.D. So, I'll keep working for a way out of this mess with the eating disorder.