lost identity

somedays i feel like a bipolar mess. one minute i decide all i want is to push forward and recover from a terrible disease that's putting my life on hold.

a minute later, i want to hold that disease tighter than any person or thing in my entire life.

i wish there was some sort of equilibrium, where i could make one decision and stick with it.
my fear. . . if i decide to choose one way or the other, i'll choose the disease.

right now, life without it seems to hard. lonely. overwhelming.
i feel fat. ugly. stupid. worthless.

the days i do 'well' are few and far between and it makes me question whether i want to keep trying when it's this hard.

but then i keep thinking, recovery has to be possible, so many people have told me it is.
maybe it's like growing your hair out, when it has to go through the awkward stage.
you start out with short hair, deciding to grow it long. . .
you start out with an E.D, and decide that you want to recover.

but then as your hair grows, it's a pain to do anything with because it hasn't reached that stage yet where you want it to be.
like when you're going through recovery, gaining the necessary weight and trying to do better, yet life isn't what you thought it to be.

i feel like i must be in that place. i hope so at least, because if this is everything, i want to go back to "short hair".
but maybe i'm just in the awkward place. . . my weight has restored, but i still have so many core issues to work through that drove me to E.D in the first place.

so i guess in the meantime, i just have to keep hoping that i'm in that middle stage, the awkward-hair-growing-out stage, and that at some point, i'll be through it. just like hair, it's hard to see the day to day growth. . . but then after looking back for several months, there is obvious growth. i do see certain areas of growth. But so often i get completely overwhelmed and feel like there is so much more to go. i friggen deserve some long hair for this endless process.