Whenever I need to procrastinate (and I'm going to use the word need because I think sometimes procrastination can be helpful, as that stressful rush at the end can often lead to a better product :) Or so I tell myself. . . ) anyway, I always turn to blog-stalking in my moments of procrastination. I often debate writing, but then resort to reading the words of others! :) Today I decided I would catch up a bit on mine so as not to fall further behind!
Welcome to 2011, everyone! It's been a few months since I've last updated, oops! Processing where my heart and head have been for the past few months would take a book in itself, so I will just say life has been . . . well, life. Good, bad, stressful, confusing, fun, busy, hard. Life.
In terms of the logistics, my life is quite full, which for those of you who have known me for many years most likely comes as no surprise :-) I've been working 2 jobs - One at a Transitional Housing program for women and children, and another at the local Fitness Center. Both have been eye opening in various ways, and I've enjoyed the opportunity to experience each. I'm also still working towards my Master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. This semester will be quite chaotic as I mix classes alongside internship hours. Other than the 5 hour weekly drive to and from Omaha, I really enjoy being back in classes. They are challenging and push me professionally, spiritually, and personally, but they are also incredibly intriguing. Oh, and I'm also going to start working as a CNA for the end of the semester and summer. I'm really interested in psychology & the health field, so I think that working in some type of nursing home or hospital will be beneficial for my resume. Outside of those commitments, I spend my time with Pete, my friends, family, church, shopping, or running. And if I have time, sleeping ;)
Amidst the busyness in my outward life, my inward reflections and journey has been quite busy as well. This year has been quite a bumpy one in my life, and has really pushed me to grow and process my feelings and beliefs in greater depth. It has been a difficult year, one full of questions and confusion. Will the eating disorder ever really be gone? What was its purpose? Why do I continue to turn to it in difficult times? What is the purpose of all the pain in the world? Where do we go from here? An array of questions have consumed my thoughts and brought me to investigate further into some of the core of the 'darkness'. Though it has been incredibly difficult, exhausting, painful, and overwhelming, I can always come to a constant conclusion: We are held. Pain is excruciating and complex. We might question its purpose. We may have anger toward God or others and wonder why things are happening as they are. We might attempt to run from God and turn to our other "comforts" - e.d's, alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, etc. Yet, through it all, we are held.
Our Lord knows what we need. And when we need it. And he holds us tightly in the palm of His hand. There have been so many times this past year where I've been tempted to run, bail on "life" and live my own way. Yet, God gently put people in my life and situations in my days that showed me His constant presence and care.
I don't know the answers to any of my questions. I have no idea the full purpose of my struggle with an eating disorder. I have no idea why some of the past events were as they were. I have no idea when I will finish school and where I will work after. But through out the course of this year, I have learned to just relax and let go of my plans. He knows. and His plan will be better than my ideas. Five years ago, I had my "plan" perfectly plotted out. . . Grad school immediately after college, 2 years maximum to finish, marriage and kids by age 25, and a job far away once my Masters was completed. Now, I'm 4 months from being 25. I took time off from grad school, I came back to Iowa, I'm not paranoid about what I will do with my degree anymore, or when I will marry and have kids. I have things to work on and areas to grow in and God knows that. So, He's stretching me. He's molding me. And He is holding me ever so tightly and walking with me on the long and sometimes quite painful journey.
So here's to another year of living! The quote that I have heard quite possibly a million times in my life is "trust the process". I hate this quote with my entire being, yet know it's true at the same time :-) I think I despise it with such great passion because I know that it is true. Things can be confusing and unplanned and overwhelming. But, we can't get caught up in that, or we fall into a pit of despair. I've seen this in my own life, as well as others. We get stuck and we give up hope for a future. But in reality, it comes down to trust. Our Father knows us, our Father has plans for us, and our Father wants to bless us abundantly. It is essential to trust the process and hold close to the promise that He knows our plans and will direct our paths.
Blessings! :)
3 comments:
how is working at a gym affecting your ED?
Its been both beneficial and detrimental with ED. . . In some ways it has been quite unhealthy, as it means a free gym membership, I see new ideas for workouts from members, and I feel intense guilt if I go there to work but then don't work out that day. Or, if a member comments about needing to work off supper or some dessert, it's really hard not to feel guilty about having tallies :(
But, actually it's also been really healthy in some ways, because I see from the outside the difference b/t people who have a healthy relationship w/exercise and those who don't. I see people who work out for a normal length of time, and leave satisfied, not feeling like they have to slave away for multiple hours each day. And I see members that miss for several days in a row and don't beat themselves up. Or, people that come to workout with friends and just enjoy it. It motivates me toward what I want in the future, ya know?
Have you heard the song by Natalie Grant, "Held?" It is a great reminder of no matter what happens in life, We are Held by Christ!
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