Hope .

Do you ever roll your eyes at God's sense of humor? This week, I've found myself laughing on several occasions as I see God at work.

Over the course of the past week, various thoughts have plagued my head and created a lot of confusion and anxiety. Being 24, there is a lot in my life right now that is incredibly exciting and adventurous. New experiences, new goals and motivations, exciting opportunities in many different facets of life. Yet at the same time, along with the excitement and growth comes a great deal of fear and uncertainty.

I question whether I am able to embark in a lot of the upcoming situations in my life. Past hurts and painful situations cause me to feel fear in relationships and ruminate on the "what ifs" and "what's the future?" . . . Additionally, as I pursue my career goals further I become worried, as the eating disorder is still a daily battle physically and emotionally. I'm consumed with doubts and fear that the disordered behaviors or irrational thoughts may never go away. Consequently, how could I help other people who are struggling with life when the e.d still controls a piece of my life? It makes me question leaving the field altogether.

Yet for now, I feel God calling me to continue in my studies. I want to be further along in recovery before entering into practice, but I do feel that I am far enough along that school is actually quite beneficial and motivating for me to keep moving forward.

Still, my thoughts race back and forth incessantly through out the day. "Come on, Jay, you are failing in so many areas, turn back full-force to the eating disorder!!" . . "No, that's not living life as God intended it, there's so much more out there." "But you're not good enough for that life, go back to e.d, make it your #1 priority again!". As the thoughts become more intense and exhausting, I often begin to lose hope. I worry that I won't be able to continue fighting those negative thoughts and temptations. I question whether I will be able to achieve any sort of goals or dreams. I start to doubt myself and living life on normal terms. I crave the twisted consistency and control that the eating disorder brought.

But then I remember, that my hope is in the Lord. What a relief! When I've felt anxiety the past few weeks about decisions regarding work, school, relationships, living situations, life in general, it has been such a comfort to slow down and hold tight to the truth. . . My hope is in my Father in Heaven. When I worry about the future, about healing, about decisions in many genres of life, it's futile. I don't need to worry. Phew! This is not to say that I sit around and do nothing, as that's also not what the Lord intends. But, when I start to feel anxious, when I doubt or fear that I am not making enough progress in healing from the eating disorder, when I struggle to determine which way to go, I can let that all go. The important and essential thing is that I continue moving forward toward Christ. . . I continue to put my Hope in Him, even if I can not see clearly. So often I want to know answers with eating disorder struggles: When will it be the end? Is an 'end' even possible? What purpose is this serving? Why so long? etc etc etc. Whatever my questioning, I know that the crucial element is that I must continue to trust in Him and hope in Him, or I will succumb to the enemy.

I've found a great deal of comfort over the past week as I remember these truths. Whenever I become overwhelmed, confused, anxious, or want to throw recovery out the window, I pause and remember that I have the greatest tool to use in the rebuilding process: Hope.

As I read my devotions tonight, the opening verse struck me as it really illuminated the thoughts I've had over the past few weeks. The verse came from Philippians 3:13. It reads, "Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward." We know the ultimate goal. It is vital that no matter what our fears, doubts, ups, downs, joys and sorrows, we press onward in Hope. It's not always easy or full of constant victories. But, in all things, we can wait in great expectation for the one in whom our Hope lies.