I love it when I feel like God is presenting situations for learning in my life, although I often feel like it is during times when a particular area is in need of. . . umm. . . modification :) A few days ago one such lesson presented itself, and I reflected upon it with a smile as I thought "oh crap, God is right. . . again." :)
That day was not a particularly healthy day for me. One area of recovery that is especially difficult for me is that of exercise. When I was in the depths of my sickness, I was spending hours upon hours each day exercising. At the gym, running, swimming, blading, videos, anything just to add hours and miles each day. And while things are a lot better now, exercise is still an incredible temptation for me. I begin and instantly have unhealthy thoughts of "come on, Jay, let's see how hard you can push it today. This won't hurt you. Let's go further. You need to do this." etc, etc, etc. I hate it, because exercise used to be enjoyable and a leisure activity. While it's not as bad as before, I still tend to be quite rigid when I exercise. One example is my running. When I go on a run, I have exact routes measured out. I have driven them by car time and time again just to be sure the distance hasn't changed. (Because of course a plot of land can change from being a mile long to 3/4 of a mile. Yes, distortion is quite possibly present with an e.d!). So, I choose what route I will take that day - x, y or z miles depending on how much time I have. And then I put on a playlist that will match up to the time the run needs to be completed by. And then I start. Up this hill, to the right 6 blocks here, North a mile here, gravel 2 miles here, on and on until I have completed the selected path. I know my paths, forward and backward, inside and out, eyes closed.
So, on this day I was excited because it was finally warm enough to be outside again. I was so ready to get back to the "comfort" of that known route. So I got ready, drove to the destination, and began my run. I was following the route to a T when all of a sudden I reached a roadblock. . . Part of this route was on a bike trail, and the trail was still covered with snow. Ugh, great. I knew if I risked running on it I could injure myself. Yet I felt tempted to try, as I didn't want to give up "my route." Still, I realized that an injury would mean no exercise for a great length of time, so the better option would be to turn back and find a different route.
As I turned back, a few things happened. First, as it was approaching evening, I turned around and observed one of the most beautiful sunsets that I have seen this winter. Colors blazing across the sky and ice covered trees glistening from the sun. If I would have attempted to stay on my known path, I would have run away from that beauty and would have missed out. But in taking this new way, I was able to run toward God's amazing artwork in the sky. Secondly, as I ran back I comprehended my next move "ok, what do I do, I just lost all that time going one direction, now I need to go back to the beginning and go a different way. What a waste." Yet as I worked my way back, I realized that the previous path had not been futile. During those first miles, my breathing pattern naturalized, my muscles began to loosen up for the road ahead, and I was able to set the pace for the oncoming route.
Shifting from the experience to the lessons that I observed. . . With the sunset, it was blatantly obvious to me that my path was nothing compared to the one I was supposed to be on that day. If I would have taken my own route on the trail, I would have known the exact distance I had covered. I would be aware of every turn, every curve, every hill. On the path I ended up on, I didn't know the distance, or how I would get from one point to another. I just had to keep following until I gradually reached the destination. And it was beautiful. . . Uncertain, not of my own control, unpredictable, but beautiful. God has created us and He knows the purpose of each and every one of us. And He prepares us for that which He has called us. In Ephesians 2, we read:
Made Alive in Christ
1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
That day was not a particularly healthy day for me. One area of recovery that is especially difficult for me is that of exercise. When I was in the depths of my sickness, I was spending hours upon hours each day exercising. At the gym, running, swimming, blading, videos, anything just to add hours and miles each day. And while things are a lot better now, exercise is still an incredible temptation for me. I begin and instantly have unhealthy thoughts of "come on, Jay, let's see how hard you can push it today. This won't hurt you. Let's go further. You need to do this." etc, etc, etc. I hate it, because exercise used to be enjoyable and a leisure activity. While it's not as bad as before, I still tend to be quite rigid when I exercise. One example is my running. When I go on a run, I have exact routes measured out. I have driven them by car time and time again just to be sure the distance hasn't changed. (Because of course a plot of land can change from being a mile long to 3/4 of a mile. Yes, distortion is quite possibly present with an e.d!). So, I choose what route I will take that day - x, y or z miles depending on how much time I have. And then I put on a playlist that will match up to the time the run needs to be completed by. And then I start. Up this hill, to the right 6 blocks here, North a mile here, gravel 2 miles here, on and on until I have completed the selected path. I know my paths, forward and backward, inside and out, eyes closed.
So, on this day I was excited because it was finally warm enough to be outside again. I was so ready to get back to the "comfort" of that known route. So I got ready, drove to the destination, and began my run. I was following the route to a T when all of a sudden I reached a roadblock. . . Part of this route was on a bike trail, and the trail was still covered with snow. Ugh, great. I knew if I risked running on it I could injure myself. Yet I felt tempted to try, as I didn't want to give up "my route." Still, I realized that an injury would mean no exercise for a great length of time, so the better option would be to turn back and find a different route.
As I turned back, a few things happened. First, as it was approaching evening, I turned around and observed one of the most beautiful sunsets that I have seen this winter. Colors blazing across the sky and ice covered trees glistening from the sun. If I would have attempted to stay on my known path, I would have run away from that beauty and would have missed out. But in taking this new way, I was able to run toward God's amazing artwork in the sky. Secondly, as I ran back I comprehended my next move "ok, what do I do, I just lost all that time going one direction, now I need to go back to the beginning and go a different way. What a waste." Yet as I worked my way back, I realized that the previous path had not been futile. During those first miles, my breathing pattern naturalized, my muscles began to loosen up for the road ahead, and I was able to set the pace for the oncoming route.
Shifting from the experience to the lessons that I observed. . . With the sunset, it was blatantly obvious to me that my path was nothing compared to the one I was supposed to be on that day. If I would have taken my own route on the trail, I would have known the exact distance I had covered. I would be aware of every turn, every curve, every hill. On the path I ended up on, I didn't know the distance, or how I would get from one point to another. I just had to keep following until I gradually reached the destination. And it was beautiful. . . Uncertain, not of my own control, unpredictable, but beautiful. God has created us and He knows the purpose of each and every one of us. And He prepares us for that which He has called us. In Ephesians 2, we read:
Made Alive in Christ
1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
He has called us, He has saved us, and He will prepare us for the works that are ahead. Think of Noah. . . Do you think it was on "his route" to build an ark? Do you think he was excited about having everyone mock him and gossip about his "craziness"? Most likely, not. But God knew beforehand the journey that Noah had been called to take. And He guided him from beginning to end.
The other lesson I observed in my running situation came when I was turning from Route A to the new path. . . As I said, initially I felt that the beginning was a waste. I would have to start all over and all the work of the past was useless. Yet as I said, it prepared me for the next part, and it also allowed me to see that when I turn From my own path, the results are clearly what the Lord has planned. In that, I see that the past is an important part of the journey. Often, as we reflect, those past disappointments or "failures" allow us to appreciate or understand the present much more. It prepares us for what is to come, and can serve as a foundation to build knowledge upon. I felt as if the beginning of the run was pointless and unnecessary. Yet once I realized that if I had taken my own road I would have completely missed what I ended up seeing, I appreciated that sunset even more. More often than not I see various pieces of my past as "useless". Struggling with an Eating disorder for many years often feels like a waste of time. Experiencing certain pieces of relationships in the past feels unnecessary. Yet as I reflect further, going through those hard times has brought various lessons, areas of growth, and experiences that I would not have appreciated without that past. Not to say that I appreciate the struggle with E.D yet, because I think that could take a few more decades of learning :) But, I do know that for some reason the past is there, and for each of us I truly believe that our experiences bring us forward, mold us into better, more godly people ready to move onward in Him. He saves us, by grace, and prepares us for the works that He has planned.
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