. Held .

Whenever I need to procrastinate (and I'm going to use the word need because I think sometimes procrastination can be helpful, as that stressful rush at the end can often lead to a better product :) Or so I tell myself. . . ) anyway, I always turn to blog-stalking in my moments of procrastination. I often debate writing, but then resort to reading the words of others! :) Today I decided I would catch up a bit on mine so as not to fall further behind!

Welcome to 2011, everyone! It's been a few months since I've last updated, oops! Processing where my heart and head have been for the past few months would take a book in itself, so I will just say life has been . . . well, life. Good, bad, stressful, confusing, fun, busy, hard. Life.

In terms of the logistics, my life is quite full, which for those of you who have known me for many years most likely comes as no surprise :-) I've been working 2 jobs - One at a Transitional Housing program for women and children, and another at the local Fitness Center. Both have been eye opening in various ways, and I've enjoyed the opportunity to experience each. I'm also still working towards my Master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. This semester will be quite chaotic as I mix classes alongside internship hours. Other than the 5 hour weekly drive to and from Omaha, I really enjoy being back in classes. They are challenging and push me professionally, spiritually, and personally, but they are also incredibly intriguing. Oh, and I'm also going to start working as a CNA for the end of the semester and summer. I'm really interested in psychology & the health field, so I think that working in some type of nursing home or hospital will be beneficial for my resume. Outside of those commitments, I spend my time with Pete, my friends, family, church, shopping, or running. And if I have time, sleeping ;)

Amidst the busyness in my outward life, my inward reflections and journey has been quite busy as well. This year has been quite a bumpy one in my life, and has really pushed me to grow and process my feelings and beliefs in greater depth. It has been a difficult year, one full of questions and confusion. Will the eating disorder ever really be gone? What was its purpose? Why do I continue to turn to it in difficult times? What is the purpose of all the pain in the world? Where do we go from here? An array of questions have consumed my thoughts and brought me to investigate further into some of the core of the 'darkness'. Though it has been incredibly difficult, exhausting, painful, and overwhelming, I can always come to a constant conclusion: We are held. Pain is excruciating and complex. We might question its purpose. We may have anger toward God or others and wonder why things are happening as they are. We might attempt to run from God and turn to our other "comforts" - e.d's, alcohol, drugs, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, etc. Yet, through it all, we are held.

Our Lord knows what we need. And when we need it. And he holds us tightly in the palm of His hand. There have been so many times this past year where I've been tempted to run, bail on "life" and live my own way. Yet, God gently put people in my life and situations in my days that showed me His constant presence and care.

I don't know the answers to any of my questions. I have no idea the full purpose of my struggle with an eating disorder. I have no idea why some of the past events were as they were. I have no idea when I will finish school and where I will work after. But through out the course of this year, I have learned to just relax and let go of my plans. He knows. and His plan will be better than my ideas. Five years ago, I had my "plan" perfectly plotted out. . . Grad school immediately after college, 2 years maximum to finish, marriage and kids by age 25, and a job far away once my Masters was completed. Now, I'm 4 months from being 25. I took time off from grad school, I came back to Iowa, I'm not paranoid about what I will do with my degree anymore, or when I will marry and have kids. I have things to work on and areas to grow in and God knows that. So, He's stretching me. He's molding me. And He is holding me ever so tightly and walking with me on the long and sometimes quite painful journey.

So here's to another year of living! The quote that I have heard quite possibly a million times in my life is "trust the process". I hate this quote with my entire being, yet know it's true at the same time :-) I think I despise it with such great passion because I know that it is true. Things can be confusing and unplanned and overwhelming. But, we can't get caught up in that, or we fall into a pit of despair. I've seen this in my own life, as well as others. We get stuck and we give up hope for a future. But in reality, it comes down to trust. Our Father knows us, our Father has plans for us, and our Father wants to bless us abundantly. It is essential to trust the process and hold close to the promise that He knows our plans and will direct our paths.

Blessings! :)

Breaking Hearts

Last week I was blessed to spend time with a young woman who I deeply care about. She was dealing with troubles in a dating relationship. Consequently, she was confused, overwhelmed, sad, and struggling to focus. Pre-med homework didn't seem to matter and she worried that she would fall behind because of the pains in her heart. Sleep was hard to come by, and socializing was less than enjoyable.

This young lady is absolutely beautiful. She is gorgeous on the outside, but has this radiant heart that just exudes life. She is strong, passionate, considerate, incredibly funny, and intellectually brilliant. Yet she was deeply pained and overcome with fear and worry. My heart broke for her. I would give anything to take the pain away and fix the sadness. Yet, I know she needs to walk through it. So, I can listen, I can pray, I can show support and continued love as she works through the situation. And as I watch her face this situation, as well as previous times in life that were difficult, I am able to see growth in her. As she has walked through hard times, she has developed a deeper, more insightful, more compassionate personality. She has ultimately come out a stronger, more genuine, empathetic woman. So, while my heart breaks for her, I know that in time this will be something that leads to growth. It will serve purpose. So, for the time being I continue to pray, and encourage, and hold her close to my heart.

This morning, I put together a basket for this young lady. I placed snacks, bubble bath, a book, and a card in the basket. Then I left on a 15 mile run.

15 miles... Not training for a marathon. I've run every day this week and heaven KNOWS I should have been doing homework. Yet, I HAD to run because of ED's manipulation and control. Over half way through my run, my Ipod died. I was frustrated and knew it would be a long finish. Suddenly, the Lord spoke to me. He revealed to me that He feels the same way that I feel toward my friend, and even deeper. God's heart breaks for me. His heart breaks for all of us as we struggle. When I am confused about past hurts, difficult relationships, struggles of various sorts, when I feel broken and lost and don't even want to wake up and face a day, when I can hardly put one foot in front of another, and when my smile is utterly and completely fake, He feels JUST like I do with friends. His heart breaks. He wants to take it away. He would give anything not to have to watch pain. Yet He knows it's also necessary for growth. So, He cries with me, He puts supportive people and situations in my path to keep me going, and He holds me close.

When I came back from my morning run, I opened the card I had written my friend. . .

"Dear ___****_____,

I am so sorry for the pain and confusion that you are facing right now. I know that it's hard for you to understand and that it is causing an overwhelming amount of hurt, tears, fear, and exhaustion. I hate watching you go through this and feel this burden and I would take it away in a heartbeat. But, I know that you will make it through this and that it will be ok. You are strong, you are wise, courageous, and you possess inward beauty that is indescribable. It has been an honor to watch you become the person you are today, and I am so proud and blessed to have you in my life. You are special. I'm here if you need me, and I am holding you close in thought and prayer. Love always, Jay"

. . . If God wrote a hand-written letter to each of us, I think He would tell us that He hates watching us go through struggles and face painful times. Yet, He will constantly lead, guide, and protect us during those times as we develop and grow in various ways.

When we watch others suffer, it's heart-breaking. Friends dealing with eating disorders, destructive relationships, divorcing parents, school issues, depression, etc etc etc. . . The pain that we feel toward others is only a glimpse of the care and concern that God has for each of us. His Heart Breaks for Me. For You. God, who created each of us in His unique and individual way, longs for the day when beauty will come from the pain. Meanwhile, He cries, He holds, He walks the path with us until the day that we are whole.

.Suffocating.

During the past few months, I've attempted to post nearly a hundred times. I come to my blog, sign in, open a new post, and sit. . . Sometimes for nearly an hour. And the words just don't come. Countless thoughts, themes, experiences, messages, and reflections stir through my head. Yet I sit, silent. Mute. The truth - Ed has begun to suffocate me, once again slowly sucking my oxygen away as the days pass. His attempts to silence my voice, mind, and heart have shown him victorious.

I'm losing myself again. I feel it. I'm relapsing. Though I'm not sure I would ever say I fully reached a point of recovery, I am definitely falling back. This vicious monster has plagued my thoughts and behaviors, and I'm slowly losing grip. I've become weak, and have started to obey the demands of this kidnapping assaulter. And slowly, slowly he is killing me.

It's so odd, because although an Eating Disorder is exhausting, consuming, depressing, frustrating, never-ending, etc. etc. etc, that all controlling voice is able to brainwash the victim into believing that "he" is the answer. Though I despise my eating disorder and the way it destroys my life, my future, and my relationships, it does a good job of getting me to believe that it in fact is "The Answer". Rationally is this the truth? No, obviously not. E.D is the antithesis of "The Answer". But Emotionally, it feels like the only thing I have. I read a chapter in a book on recovery today on death sentences. It asked readers to reflect on how they would live if they knew they were at the end of life. At the end, the author commented how so often with ED, we have lived so long in this "nightmarish dream of 'thin' that we have forgotten all of our good dreams".

This thought resonates so strongly with me and I think is such a huge reason that I am stuck in relapse. The eating disorder has been a part of my life for so long that I have a hard time remembering my passions, my dreams, my hopes for the future. If I had free time, I honestly do not even know what I would find enjoyable, because ED has blinded me to myself. Right now every free moment I have is spent exercising. As a child, I LOVED writing. I loved music. I loved social time with friends and family. I loved games, coloring, imagining, dreaming. ED is trying to suck all of those dreams and passions out of his victims.

The fight is so hard. I don't know if I'll finish school. I don't know if I'll continue in the career field I thought I was passionate about. I don't know if I'll be able to have healthy and normal relationships. But I need to try to fight for a life, and one that isn't ruled by E.D . . . Because a life in which he is the most important relationship, the most passionate dream I have, and the 'activity' I prioritize most is not a God-glorifying, pursuing life that each of us is called to live. It's time to seek after HIM (God) instead of him (ED).

clarity

This week I've reflected a lot and really gained more understanding into various aspects of my eating disorder. . . I was talking with my Counselor earlier this week, and trying to explain to her why I hold onto my eating disorder despite it's controlling, manipulating, painful ways. I wanted to express what appeals to me yet and why it's so hard to let go of in returning to normal life. As I attempted to articulate my thoughts, it was quite obvious that I completely lost my counselor. She tried to rephrase it, she tried having me repeat, use examples, everything. But she was gone. We were on 2 completely different planes. I drove home SO frustrated - if this woman can't even understand me and I can't even explain or understand myself, then what use is it?! This is hopeless! Ok, so I know there's a lot of jumping in there, but for anyone who doesn't understand ED mind, it does have some pretty irrational thoughts. But I was convinced that I couldn't do life on normal terms b/c I couldn't even understand or articulate my own thoughts and emotions.

But then as I drove it occurred to me that I think that was part of what made E.D so appealing. When I began restricting and over-exercising, it WAS so comforting, because it DID make sense. Life outside of it surely didn't make sense. . . Relationships, past hurts, confusing situations, etc. . . None of that was clear or certain. But E.D, at the time it was soooo clear and understandable. Less Calories, more exercise, lower number on the scale. Period. It worked. It was something that just.made.sense.

Well, for a while at least. Right now I'm struggling with several aspects of the E.D, and I feel SO tempted to just turn full force back into the mindset that doesn't care about recovery, and that just constantly listens to the voice that tells me exactly when, what, and how much to eat and exercise. I know that I hated that life too, but part of me just craves it because it just seemed so clear.

Clear in a distorted way though. I know that life with E.D is fake. I won't be able to do any of the things that I desire to do with my life if I continue to turn to him time and time again. Yet, sometimes when my thoughts, emotions, and feelings are too overwhelming, confusing, and complicated, I just crave that simple equation. (low calories) + (high exercise) = (lower weight). ahh. So clear. But, it can't last. And it causes increased destruction over time. It destroys my health, it hurts my family and friends, and it halts any life I am gaining back right now.

So, even though I feel a lack of clarity right now about so many different things, I know that this foggyness is at least real and more healthy than turning full force back to E.D. So, I'll keep working for a way out of this mess with the eating disorder.

lost identity

somedays i feel like a bipolar mess. one minute i decide all i want is to push forward and recover from a terrible disease that's putting my life on hold.

a minute later, i want to hold that disease tighter than any person or thing in my entire life.

i wish there was some sort of equilibrium, where i could make one decision and stick with it.
my fear. . . if i decide to choose one way or the other, i'll choose the disease.

right now, life without it seems to hard. lonely. overwhelming.
i feel fat. ugly. stupid. worthless.

the days i do 'well' are few and far between and it makes me question whether i want to keep trying when it's this hard.

but then i keep thinking, recovery has to be possible, so many people have told me it is.
maybe it's like growing your hair out, when it has to go through the awkward stage.
you start out with short hair, deciding to grow it long. . .
you start out with an E.D, and decide that you want to recover.

but then as your hair grows, it's a pain to do anything with because it hasn't reached that stage yet where you want it to be.
like when you're going through recovery, gaining the necessary weight and trying to do better, yet life isn't what you thought it to be.

i feel like i must be in that place. i hope so at least, because if this is everything, i want to go back to "short hair".
but maybe i'm just in the awkward place. . . my weight has restored, but i still have so many core issues to work through that drove me to E.D in the first place.

so i guess in the meantime, i just have to keep hoping that i'm in that middle stage, the awkward-hair-growing-out stage, and that at some point, i'll be through it. just like hair, it's hard to see the day to day growth. . . but then after looking back for several months, there is obvious growth. i do see certain areas of growth. But so often i get completely overwhelmed and feel like there is so much more to go. i friggen deserve some long hair for this endless process.

Separation.

I think it's time for a separation.
It just has to happen.

No matter what I do, no matter what thoughts I think, or how E.D tries to convince me, the Eating Disorder does. not. work. It doesn't do anything.

Really it just creates an awful cycle in so many fronts.
I feel depressed, overwhelmed, confused, sad, anxious, whatever,
I turn to E.D, giving myself over to an array of symptoms.
The feelings that I had over a completely different situation
have now intensified as I am also overwhelmed and upset at myself for turning to E.D.

He only makes things worse. There is no end with E.D. He only wants more, and he resolves nothing.

I need to separate.

And right now, food and feelings just can not mix.
I need to go back to the basics, sticking to a food plan and exercise plan and just. do. it. It's not going to feel good. I'm going to panic. Situations will come up that will make me want to turn back to E.D. But I can not mix them. Food is food and exercise is exercise, and what I do with them does NOTHING to solve emotional issues or situations in my own life. It only makes things worse.

So I've gotta keep working on both fronts. I need to just be black and white about food and exercise, and I need to do my best to not let anything that happens through out the day cause me to run to symptom usage.

It's time to move on. It's time to get away from this lingering idiot. Here goes. . .

Sometimes the hardest thing & the Right thing are the Same.

Ah here we go again. Right now I'm really having a hard time with compulsive exercising. I used to love to run or play sports. . . A normal, healthy, balanced amount. But recently ED has been driving work-out after work-out after work-out.

I'm avoiding. I'm avoiding a lot. I'm avoiding admitting that this is becoming controlling and consuming. Every day I just justify it - "Well, I'm a healthy weight, so it's ok if i'm exercising this much." "My knee doesn't hurt tttthhhaaattt bad, so it's still ok." "I've done other things today too, like work and hanging out with friends, so this can't be that consuming."

But in reality, right now it's too much. And unhealthy. And definitely done to avoid dealing with my feelings. Turning to exercise and E.D behaviors feels so safe to me, in a twisted way. The workouts feel comforting, despite being painful, and that voice tells me that I don't have to be vulnerable to people, because I can just bring all my emotions to E.D.

But the truth is that the way out of this is by doing the opposite of what my head is telling me right now. Instead of turning to that fake 'comfort', I should be talking with my friends, relying on my support system, journaling more, coping in healthier ways. But I'm in addict mindset, where although I know those are likely the right things, I still want my "drug".

I wish I hated E.D more. . . I wish that every single piece of me wanted him out of my life once and for all. But I can't honestly say that. And that is hard. I don't know if I'll get to that point. I'm sure as heck going to get to a point where I am more healthy than this, but I think that I will definitely grieve E.D and maybe even always miss a part of him. Hopefully not much. Sigh. I just wish the process wasn't so slow and difficult.